Why Asking for Permission Matters in Coaching — and Why It Can Feel Awkward

As coaches, we're taught to ask for permission before offering interventions. But when is it superfluous — and when is it transformative?

In a recent supervision session, a coach and I were brainstorming ways to support a client who was stuck. As we explored, the coach paused. "You know," he reflected, "I've always found asking for permission somewhat inauthentic."

He wasn't dismissing it — he was opening a door to explore something deeper:

When we move beyond simply facilitating the client's thoughts, how do we genuinely involve them in the decision?

It sparked a conversation that stayed with me long after.

Like knocking on a door, asking for permission in coaching signals respect, readiness, and the client’s choice to invite us in.

The Permission Puzzle

In my role as a trainer, I see this often:

• Some coaches ask for permission but don't wait for the answer.

• Some assume it's unnecessary because "clients won't say no".

• Some believe it breaks the dialogue and the natural rhythm of coaching.

We learn about asking for permission as we transition from directing to facilitating. But it sometimes becomes a box to tick, a habit.

Yet when we reconnect with its real purpose, it becomes part of the rich dialogue unfolding between coach and client.

At its heart, it isn't about politeness. It's about recognising that the client is in charge of their own process — a signal that coaching is something we do with our clients, not to them.

Beyond Coaching

And while I'm speaking mainly to coaches here, this matters for leaders who coach, too.

Asking for permission — before offering feedback, advice, or a perspective — might seem unnecessary when feedback is part of your role. But the act of asking sends a powerful signal. It says "I care about your experience. I want to offer it when it's most useful and most likely to be received well." 

Even a simple, "Would you be open to a reflection?" can strengthen trust and ownership.

This small moment invites a shift — from being told, as so often happens in education, healthcare, or business, to genuine partnership.

In my experience, seeking permission matters most when I bring myself into the work — to ensure what I offer truly serves the client, not my own agenda.

But when we assume permission rather than invite it, we subtly shift the dynamic — we start to steer rather than accompany.

The Evidence

Research by Erik de Haan (2024) shows that when clients are actively involved in shaping the direction of the coaching — including interventions — outcomes improve by more than 10%. Involving the client isn't just ethical; it measurably increases effectiveness.

Seeking permission is not a formality — it's part of an ongoing, mutual contracting process that honours the Adult–Adult dynamic essential for genuine partnership. It helps us avoid slipping unconsciously into Parent–Child patterns, where the coach "knows best," or into Child-like insecurity when we feel uncertain about our next step.

So here's my take: Mastery in coaching isn't about the application of masterful techniques. It's about creating a relationship where the client's autonomy is honoured at every step.

Photo by Peter Herrmann on Unsplash